Dresses

I know that, theoretically, we're in Cambridge to learn stuff in order to help people and junk like that, but this illusion lasts about three days after you originally arrive. The real reason why we are at The University of Cambridge is parties, and (major thing you learn at Cambridge) parties mean dresses.

There are, however, different sorts of dresses, and only one is appropriate for any given event. Allow us to educate you.

Obviously, there are:
- Cocktail dresses
Knee-length or slightly shorter, stunning, and appropriate for anything called a formal or involving drinks. Not appropriate for balls of any description.

- Ball gowns
Longer than a cocktail dress - preferably long (ankle length or longer) and elegant. Makes you look tall and slim and gorgeous because you hide heels underneath. Are a glorious colour (best if just one colour, usually). OTT for drinks, probably ok for a formal if you're wearing your gown and feel like being the best-dressed person there; ideal for balls. Clue's in the name, really.

- Day dresses
Please don't wear these over jeans. We're not talking wrap dresses or slightly-longer-than-average jumpers and tops here, we're talking actual dresses. Go from "hmm, is that a bit short?" length to a little bit below knee-length (be warned: mid-calf length is the LEAST flattering length in existence, and no one other than 6-foot-tall supermodels should try it. It just makes you look short), and are whimsical and cute and girly in the summer, and just great in winter.

- Party dresses
This is like an extra-special cocktail dress. It's sparklier. It's flashier. It's more in-your-face. It cannot be ignored. It is one of your favourite dresses; it's the one you pick for drinks and similar occasions when you want everyone to remember you and your dress. It is fantastic, and just putting it on makes the party start. Remember: when wearing your party dress, everywhere you go is an Event.

- Sun dresses
These are like summer day dresses, only more fun. Think whimsical, girly and cute, with an added dollop of summer. Perfect for, say, punting on the Cam, drinking champagne, eating strawberries and tripping around meadows in the sun. Did I hear someone mutter the word "delusional"?

- Tea gowns
OK, so we haven't actually had a need for one of these yet, but we're sure it's going to happen. It's sheer or translucent, it's pastel, it's flowing, it's between that danger-length of mid-calf and ankle-length (a much better idea), it's for sitting around at home drinking tea in. It sounds wonderful. We tend to drink tea in our dressing gowns, and might have to change this.

- Evening gowns
A slightly less OTT version of a ball gown. It's likely to be more ankle-length, and less sweeping-the-floor-length. This one is perfect for formals, if you don't feel like being the most fabulous person there (why not?), and probably what I would generally choose for drinks (because I do like being the most fabulously overdressed person at any given occasion).

- Pinafore dresses
These are the ones that you wear over a shirt or a polo neck sweater instead of a day dress in winter when you feel like being layered. They're awesome. They remind everyone of '20s school girls. This can only be a good thing.

But these are not the only sorts of dresses. These are not essentials. Obviously, we all want to have as many of each of these as possible, but there are certain Dresses every woman must own.

The Little Black Dress is usually a cocktail dress (hence "little"). It's what you wear to New Years', to drinks, to dinners out, to the theatre, to...well, everything, really. It's gorgeous. It's black. It's stylish and simple and you wear it with killer heels and sparkly jewellery and eye shadow in fantastic colours. It shows off legs and shoulders and possibly back and cleavage, too. It is, frankly, essential.

The Revenge Dress is a tricky one. It is the dress you wear to the first event your new ex might attend. This dress gives you confidence; it makes you fantastic. It shows just exactly the right amount of flesh, accentuates all the bits of you you love, flatters all the bits you love slightly less, and is utterly unforgettable. This is the dress so stunning that every man who sees you in it loves you instantly and every guy who had the chance to be with you forever and wasted it instantly regrets it. Annoyingly, it can vary from ex to ex, and you can only wear it as a revenge dress, so it doesn't get much use - because, obviously, any guy who saw you in your previous revenge dress will hang onto you for as long as he can (provided you have plenty of photos of yourself in said revenge dress, to refresh his memory).

The "What? I just threw this on!" Dress, which you insist you've "had for years" (you probably have) but which you know looks fabulous. This one is not so much an evening dress as a during the day dress - it's for when you accidentally happen to be getting coffee at his favourite coffee shop at the time you know he'll be needing a fix; it's for when you trip into the library to pick up a book you need right now that you've been putting off getting until you know he's working there. It's the one you wear when you're going to see him with the new girlfriend and you want to look stunning without looking like you've put any effort in.

The "Covers All Sins" Dress for when you're feeling unattractive and possibly slightly bloated and you need something extremely flattering and bright to draw everyone's attention away from your complexion and general demeanour. The less said about this one, the better...it is necessary, but we like to pretend it doesn't exist.

The Princess Dress makes you feel like a princess. What's more, it makes everyone around you treat you like one. This is the one you get given free cocktails in. This is the one you accessorise with a tiara.

We will add more to this as we go on and discover more dresses we cannot do without. Obviously, every woman needs a cocktail dress, a ball gown, and a party dress, at least, plus a couple of day dresses or sun dresses...but these are less specific.

While we're on the subject of being dressed up: the walk of shame. Please, if you're going to do this, at least make sure the dress you do it in is one that will still look good after being left in a crumpled heap all night, and makes it obvious that whatever it was you attended last night, it was one hell of a party. The closer to white-tie equivalent you get, the more points you get. Remember: everyone does this once while at university. Make your once fantastic.

Love,
Felicity xxx